This moved me in a way I didn’t expect. In a loving home, these expectations are so subtle and so unintentional; now, at 74, after decades of living away from my family of origin, this syndrome manifests as numbness…..Despite good health and a life of comfort, something holds me back from real joy or real sorrow. I struggle to acknowledge my right to full feeling, of asking for too much. This article helped me understand why I’ve fought so hard to feel i deserve a full life. Thank you.
I am 70. I am also Linda. Beyond the poignancy of the article, both of you made comments that resonate with me- “In a loving home, these expectations are so subtle and so unintentional,” and “I “escaped” from my home town…But all those things stayed with me so I didn’t really escape.” Thank you 😊
I am 72 and wondering about my life. I always said I “escaped” from my home town after marrying the first guy I dated who wasn’t going to stay in Omaha. But all those things stayed with me so I didn’t really escape. My parents and brothers are all passed on now: I’m still here, keeping things going.
This was so beautiful. I'm currently at thr stage of my life where I'm asking myself "what are my needs" ? Because for the longest time I've always put everyone else's needs above mine.
As an elder daughter, I truly connect with this on such a deep level. Every word you expressed resonates with me, and my heart aches for the shared experiences we all have as elder daughters. 🖤
I cried deeply when I read this piece. I was the oldest of 5 and the only girl. My mother was a single parent and worked three jobs so naturally I became the second parent to my brothers and the main support for my mother. This writing was the first time ever I have read something that so deeply describes my own life. I moved across the country at 23 to get away from my family. I was never strong enough to say no. I discovered geographical distance did not fix my problems. Slowly, after undergoing difficult life lessons, I began to grow and learn to live my life for me. It has been a difficult road and the desire to want to fix everything never goes away. However, I am keenly aware constantly about boundaries and self care. I have had and continue to have a beautiful life with kind supportive lifetime friends. The struggle has been worth it. Thank you for sharing this. 💕
Thank you for writing this! As an eldest daughter it’s so hard to carry this weight- often we don’t even realize how heavy it is until we are alone at night. Thank you for writing for us all.
Whoa. You described this so well. An emotionally immature mother and an abusive alcoholic stepdad were in my eldest daughter story making this role even heavier. Thank you for sharing this. I am heartbroken to know this experience has happened to so many.
Same here. They thought of it as a compliment, but it was a burden. When I heard it, I thought, "What do I have to do to get you to worry about me?" Several destructive yet attention-grabbing things leapt to mind but, thankfully, I was too smart to ruin my life simply to earn their concern.
Mine said as an admonishment “We’ve been treating you as an adult, but I guess we’ll have to treat like the 12 year old that you are.” That terrified me.
Your words have left me speechless. I would love to send this to my younger sister and my mother…but that somehow feels aggressive without intending to. Thank you for making so many feel seen.
I have felt the stiffness of responsibility in my body for as long as I can remember. Now, in my mid 40’s, I’m starting to embrace rest and play with the edges of what’s mine and what’s theirs. The hard part now is seeing what lies outside of my ability to take action and letting it be.
This moved me in a way I didn’t expect. In a loving home, these expectations are so subtle and so unintentional; now, at 74, after decades of living away from my family of origin, this syndrome manifests as numbness…..Despite good health and a life of comfort, something holds me back from real joy or real sorrow. I struggle to acknowledge my right to full feeling, of asking for too much. This article helped me understand why I’ve fought so hard to feel i deserve a full life. Thank you.
I am 70. I am also Linda. Beyond the poignancy of the article, both of you made comments that resonate with me- “In a loving home, these expectations are so subtle and so unintentional,” and “I “escaped” from my home town…But all those things stayed with me so I didn’t really escape.” Thank you 😊
I am 72 and wondering about my life. I always said I “escaped” from my home town after marrying the first guy I dated who wasn’t going to stay in Omaha. But all those things stayed with me so I didn’t really escape. My parents and brothers are all passed on now: I’m still here, keeping things going.
You can relax - live the life YOU wish.
Keeping things going😀😀 it never ends…
I recognise myself in this also I had no idea how much it has influenced my actions
Yes…the undefined something that holds me, too, back from allowing myself to fully feel.
I didn't know when the first tear rolled down my face 😢. You described my life so perfectly and it's just sad. I feel seen. Thank you. 🙏🏻
This was so beautiful. I'm currently at thr stage of my life where I'm asking myself "what are my needs" ? Because for the longest time I've always put everyone else's needs above mine.
As an elder daughter, I truly connect with this on such a deep level. Every word you expressed resonates with me, and my heart aches for the shared experiences we all have as elder daughters. 🖤
eldest daughter unite in our glory and triumph from pain<3
So beautifully written and very relatable. Eldest daughters all: don’t wait until you are 64 like me before you figure out who you really are.
I cried deeply when I read this piece. I was the oldest of 5 and the only girl. My mother was a single parent and worked three jobs so naturally I became the second parent to my brothers and the main support for my mother. This writing was the first time ever I have read something that so deeply describes my own life. I moved across the country at 23 to get away from my family. I was never strong enough to say no. I discovered geographical distance did not fix my problems. Slowly, after undergoing difficult life lessons, I began to grow and learn to live my life for me. It has been a difficult road and the desire to want to fix everything never goes away. However, I am keenly aware constantly about boundaries and self care. I have had and continue to have a beautiful life with kind supportive lifetime friends. The struggle has been worth it. Thank you for sharing this. 💕
Thank you for writing this! As an eldest daughter it’s so hard to carry this weight- often we don’t even realize how heavy it is until we are alone at night. Thank you for writing for us all.
Whoa. You described this so well. An emotionally immature mother and an abusive alcoholic stepdad were in my eldest daughter story making this role even heavier. Thank you for sharing this. I am heartbroken to know this experience has happened to so many.
Whoa is exactly the word I had too
Whoa is exactly the word I had too
My parents actually said that to me. "We never had to worry about you."
Same here. They thought of it as a compliment, but it was a burden. When I heard it, I thought, "What do I have to do to get you to worry about me?" Several destructive yet attention-grabbing things leapt to mind but, thankfully, I was too smart to ruin my life simply to earn their concern.
Mine said as an admonishment “We’ve been treating you as an adult, but I guess we’ll have to treat like the 12 year old that you are.” That terrified me.
Mine too!
I'ved stopped coming to the rescue. My sibs don't get it. The good news is that I'm over it.😉
Brava you!!!
As an eldest daughter, I relate to this. What a masterpiece ❤️
Your words have left me speechless. I would love to send this to my younger sister and my mother…but that somehow feels aggressive without intending to. Thank you for making so many feel seen.
Sobbing 💔 hoping all of us eldest daughters go through the healing and breaking generational trauma stage with grace and patience 🥺
I am the oldest daughter of 7 and you could have been writing about my life. Thank you for validating how I feel and have felt all my life.
Ditto oldest of 7 here and all brothers - so achingly true
I have felt the stiffness of responsibility in my body for as long as I can remember. Now, in my mid 40’s, I’m starting to embrace rest and play with the edges of what’s mine and what’s theirs. The hard part now is seeing what lies outside of my ability to take action and letting it be.